She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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