my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
