I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I look better un-naked...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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