I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
