I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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