You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
