Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
