I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
