easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
