What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
