When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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