Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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