hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
