Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
