We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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