I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
