i wish my penis had a tongue
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
And then he peed in my hair
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