Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
