I'm so fucking centered right now
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
