can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
