now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just tell him i said nine months
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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