I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
