Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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