Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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