you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
