Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
