You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
