Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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