Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
