david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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