Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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