I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
