like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
