Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
