i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
