i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
