he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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