this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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