Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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