Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
