We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
May the power of my ass compel you!!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
