So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
