Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
