I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
