My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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