You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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