Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
