Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
