apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
