I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
