Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
